When it comes to setting boundaries, one of the most common (and oversimplified) pieces of advice out there is: “Just go no-contact!”
While there are absolutely situations where cutting ties is necessary ~ like in cases of severe abuse or ongoing harm ~ making no-contact the default boundary-setting advice can be damaging, unrealistic, and even re-traumatizing for many people.
Let’s unpack why “just go no-contact” is often the worst boundary advice and what a more sustainable, nervous-system-aware approach looks like.
1. Boundaries Are About Agency, Not Ultimatums
Boundaries are meant to empower you, not force you into an all-or-nothing decision. When the only advice given is to cut someone off, it removes the nuance of personal agency.
True boundary work is less about following a rigid one-size-fits-all rule, and more about about learning how to make choices that align with your needs and values, and then, learning to feel safe enough to express them.
2. The Nervous System Factor: Safety First
Going no-contact can trigger a nervous system response that can unearth real, lived abandonment and attachment traumas ~ especially if someone relies on that relationship for emotional or financial security.
Our nervous system craves predictability, we are wired for connection with others ~ and a sudden cut-off can create feelings of abandonment, panic, or isolation. Instead of a drastic move, a slow, titrated “minimum effective dose” approach that regulates the nervous system is often more effective.
3. Relationship Dynamics Are Complex
Every relationship has layers: history, shared experiences, mutual responsibilities, and emotional ties. While cutting contact might seem like a clean solution, in reality, it often creates new problems.
What if you share a workplace, co-parent, or have intertwined social circles? Context matters*, and boundaries should be tailored to each unique situation.
* Please see above point about abuse, safety, and ongoing harm.
4. No-Contact Can Be Considered a Privilege
For many, the ability to go no-contact isn’t an option. Cultural expectations, financial dependence, and family obligations can make it impossible to sever ties completely. Advising someone to “just cut them off” without considering their reality can feel dismissive and even harmful.
5. There Are Other Ways to Protect Yourself
If no-contact doesn’t feel like a good option for you, instead of an all-or-nothing approach ~ your sustainable boundaries can take many forms:
- Limited Contact: Reducing interaction rather than cutting it off entirely.
- Emotional Boundaries: Learning to engage without taking on someone else’s emotions.
- Time Limits: Spending only as much time as feels safe and healthy for you.
- Direct Communication: Expressing needs clearly while maintaining some form of connection.
The Bottom Line: Boundaries Are Flexible, Not Rigid
Healthy boundaries aren’t about exile ~ they’re about self-preservation, clarity, and choice. The best boundary-setting strategies acknowledge nervous system regulation, relational complexity, and individual circumstances. Instead of always defaulting to “go no-contact,” here is an invitation to focus on your whole-self – well-being.
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