Speaking assertively isn’t about being the loudest person in the room—it’s about communicating clearly, confidently, and with self-respect. If you struggle with speaking up, setting boundaries, or expressing your needs, learning how to speak assertively can help you feel more empowered in conversations.
But here’s the truth: Assertive communication isn’t just about words—it’s about how safe your body feels when you use your voice. Your nervous system plays a huge role in how you express yourself, and working with it (instead of against it) can help you become a more naturally assertive speaker.
Let’s break down how to speak assertively with a nervous system-aware approach.
What Does It Mean to Speak Assertively?
Assertive communication sits between passive communication (not speaking up at all) and aggressive communication (overpowering others). It allows you to express yourself clearly, respectfully, and confidently—without people-pleasing or steamrolling others.
Passive: “It’s fine, whatever you want.” 
Aggressive: “You always do this! I’m done listening.” 
Assertive: “I see your point, but I also need my concerns to be heard.”
Assertiveness is about balancing confidence with respect, both for yourself and others.
Why Is Assertive Speaking Difficult? (Hint: It’s Not Just Mindset)
If speaking up makes you nervous, your nervous system might perceive it as a threat. This can trigger:
Freeze Response: Your mind goes blank, and words won’t come out. Fawn Response: You people-please or over-apologize to keep the peace. Flight Response: You avoid confrontation altogether. Fight Response: You speak aggressively or over-explain out of fear.
The solution? Instead of forcing yourself to be assertive, you can train your body to feel safe and steady when speaking up.
How to Train Yourself to Speak Assertively
1. Regulate Your Nervous System Before Speaking
Before entering a conversation where you need to be assertive, send safety signals to your body:
Ground yourself: Feel your feet on the floor, press your palms together, or take slow breaths. Use vagus nerve activation: Humming or deep sighing helps calm your system. Posture matters: Stand or sit upright—your body tells your brain that you are in control.
When your body feels safe, your voice will follow.
2. Use Assertive Body Language
Your words are important, but so is your nonverbal communication. Assertive body language reinforces your message:
Make eye contact (without staring) to signal confidence. Relax your shoulders instead of tensing up. Use steady gestures to emphasize your points. Control your breathing to prevent rushing your words.
3. Speak with Clarity and Confidence
How you say something matters as much as what you say. To sound assertive: Use “I” Statements: Instead of “You never listen,” try “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted.” Keep your tone steady: Avoid sounding too apologetic or aggressive. Pause before responding: This prevents reactive communication and allows you to gather your thoughts.
4. Set Boundaries with Your Words
Assertiveness is essential in boundary-setting. If saying “no” makes you uncomfortable, try:
Direct but respectful phrasing: “I can’t take that on right now.” No over-explaining: A simple “no” is enough—justifying too much weakens your stance. Reinforce if necessary: “I appreciate your understanding.” (This ends the conversation without inviting pushback.)
5. Practice in Low-Stakes Situations
Speaking assertively is a muscle—the more you use it, the stronger it gets. Start small:
Ask for something minor, like an extra napkin at a restaurant. Practice using a steady tone in casual conversations. Rehearse boundary-setting with a trusted friend.
With consistent practice, assertiveness becomes second nature.
Final Thoughts: Assertiveness is a Skill, Not a Personality Trait
You don’t have to be born assertive—you can train yourself to speak with clarity, confidence, and self-respect.
Regulate your nervous system before speaking. Use assertive body language to reinforce your words. Speak with clarity, avoiding overly apologetic or aggressive tones. Set boundaries without guilt. Practice in small ways until it feels natural.
Every time you assert yourself—even in small ways—you build trust in your voice. And that trust? That’s what true confidence is made of.
What’s one small way you can practice assertive speaking today? Let me know in the comments!
— If you’ve ever struggled to speak up, felt your voice shake in high-stakes moments, or questioned if your words truly mattered, this practice is for you! —
Click HERE for immediate access to the FREE “Find Your Voice” Guided Audio Training.
Take 11 minutes to activate the power of your voice with this guided practice. Includes: Grounding, breath-work and voice-work exercises to help you regulate your nervous system and build a confident voice.
