The Fear of Speaking Up: It’s Not Just in Your Head
If you’ve ever struggled to speak up for yourself, whether in relationships, at work, or in everyday situations, you might have blamed yourself for being too shy, too sensitive, or too weak. But here’s the truth: your fear of speaking up isn’t a personal failing ~ it’s a nervous system response.
Your body has been conditioned to associate speaking up with risk, and that fear is wired into your system for protection, not failure. So instead of beating yourself up for struggling, let’s explore what’s actually happening inside your body when the fear of speaking up takes over.
The Science Behind the Fear: Your Nervous System and Speaking Up
Your nervous system is designed to detect safety or danger at all times. When you consider speaking up for yourself—especially in situations where conflict, rejection, or criticism could occur—your nervous system may interpret it as a threat.
The Survival Responses That Keep You Silent
Your body has four main responses to perceived threats, all of which can show up when you try to use your voice:
- Fight: You might feel the urge to argue, get defensive, or push back aggressively.
- Flight: You avoid the conversation altogether, leaving the room or ghosting messages.
- Freeze: Your mind goes blank, your throat tightens, and you physically can’t get the words out.
- Fawn: You people-please, over-apologize, or downplay your needs to keep the peace.
If you resonate with freezing or fawning, that’s a nervous system response trying to protect you from potential harm. Your body learned somewhere along the way that speaking up wasn’t safe.
Why Does Speaking Up Feel Unsafe?
Fear of speaking up often comes from past experiences where using your voice led to pain, conflict, or disconnection. These experiences can include:
1. Childhood Conditioning
- Being taught that “good” children are quiet and obedient.
- Getting dismissed, shamed, or punished for expressing emotions.
- Learning that conflict leads to withdrawal of love, anger, or punishment.
2. Past Trauma and Emotional Wounds
- Being bullied, criticized, or ridiculed when trying to speak up.
- Experiencing emotional neglect where your needs were ignored.
- Facing power imbalances where speaking up had real consequences.
3. Cultural & Social Conditioning
- Growing up in an environment where silence was survival.
- Internalized gender roles that discourage assertiveness.
- Workplace dynamics that favor compliance over self-advocacy.
Your brain and body remember these experiences, so when you even think about speaking up, your nervous system says, “Wait! This isn’t safe!” and activates a protective response before you can even process it logically.
How to Work With Your Nervous System to Speak Up With Confidence
Step 1: Regulate Your Nervous System Before You Speak
If speaking up triggers freeze or fawn, focus on sending safety signals to your body first.
Try grounding techniques: Feel your feet on the floor, press your hands against a surface, or take slow, deep breaths. Try vagus nerve activation: Humming, singing, or sighing can help relax your throat and calm your system. Try orienting: Look around the room and remind yourself, “I am safe. I am allowed to speak.”
Step 2: Practice Low-Stakes Speaking Up
Start small. If asserting yourself in big conversations feels overwhelming, practice in safer spaces first.
Say no to small requests where the stakes are low. Express a simple opinion—“I actually prefer tea over coffee.” Use voice notes or journaling to practice saying things out loud before you say them to someone else.
This teaches your nervous system that using your voice doesn’t always lead to harm.
Step 3: Redefine What Speaking Up Means
If past experiences made you believe that speaking up = conflict, rejection, or harm, it’s time to reframe that belief.
Speaking up doesn’t mean being loud—it means being clear. Using your voice doesn’t mean demanding—it means honoring yourself. Asserting your needs doesn’t mean losing people—it means attracting the right ones.
Your voice is yours to use. You don’t have to justify your existence.
Final Thoughts: Your Voice Deserves to Be Heard
If you’re scared to speak up, it’s not because you’re weak—it’s because your nervous system has learned to protect you this way. And that means you can unlearn it, too.
Reclaiming your voice isn’t about forcing yourself to be fearless—it’s about creating safety in your body first so that your voice can flow naturally.
You are not too much. You are not asking for too much. Your voice matters.
If this resonated with you, what’s one small way you can practice using your voice today? Let me know in the comments!
— If you’ve ever struggled to speak up, felt your voice shake in high-stakes moments, or questioned if your words truly mattered, this practice is for you! —
Click HERE for immediate access to the FREE “Find Your Voice” Guided Audio Training.
Take 11 minutes to activate the power of your voice with this guided practice. Includes: Grounding, breath-work and voice-work exercises to help you regulate your nervous system and build a confident voice.
